中考英语阅读幽默类

❶ 初三学生，英语成绩差，只能考到8-90分左右，常见的考试错题类型是完型填空和阅读理解 错的

完形填空：背词组，记住介词的使用，可把课本的重点词组抄写一遍，专多看看；背单词，主属要是形容词，ed形容人主动的感觉，ing形容物令人的感觉；记住代词的用法~如other等
阅读理解：首先，词汇量基础还是必须有，不需每个单词都懂，但句子大意得看得懂，其次，阅读时要学会找关键句，每一段的总结性的句子，一般在段落的开始或结尾，读懂关键句，对文章的整体把控会更好，最后，重中之重是细心，尤其是细节判断题，要准确细致。当然，还是需要多重点练习~
短文改错：其实跟完形填空类似，要记住词组一般组合，词汇的用法，多读文章，培养语感，练就火眼金睛。
单词适当形式填空：需要把握单词的前后缀的一般意义及其特殊用法，如前缀mis-、un-、dis-（如misundersand，误解；unhappy，不开心，disagree，不同意）等一般表否定，-ed，-ing，-ous。当然还得记住y结尾的，要改y为i再加后缀，重点记有特殊的不需改的。

加油复习，英语在于日积月累，一两天也许看不见太多成就，但到某个点就一通百通了，坚持

❷ 有没有英语幽默小故事，适合初三的英语， （不复杂的又短的 要好笑的）

Let
me
take
it
down
An
elephant
said
to
a
mouse
,"no
doubt
that
you
are
the
smallest
znd
most
useless
thing
that
Ihave
e
ver
seen
."
"Pless
,say
it
again
.Let
me
take
it
down
."the
mouse
said
."I
will
tell
a
flea
what
I
know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听

❸ 谁能提供初中英语幽默短文,要有翻译的

The World's Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

世界上最伟大的击剑手

在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。

他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。

“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”

“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”
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A Mistake

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

搞错了

一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”

“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。

“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。

“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
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Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

猪还是女巫

一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
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Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答问技巧

衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。”

当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。”

一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？”
获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”
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Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

伟大的猎手Jonesie

有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。

猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。

半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。

“Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。

“哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”
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Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

天气预报

一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.

一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴.

"印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.

几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.

最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"

印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."
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I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

我要表现得象位女士

一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

❹ 谁能提供几篇适合初中生看的英语幽默小故事谢谢

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.上帝曾经答应我
Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.

有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。

Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".

然后我请让你变聪明。他说：“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。” 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Jack: Certainly.
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？
杰克：当然应该了。
汤姆：为什么？
杰克：否则他就该跟我借了
2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。
“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。
“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道
3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？
汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了
4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”
“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。 Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话（七）Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

英语笑话（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”

英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英语笑话（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
回答者：lovemydream - 高级经理 七级 7-5 10:08

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其他回答共 2 条
Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

逻辑推理

小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”

[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了吗?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”

这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。
有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。
“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道： “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”
“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。
“不存在这样的问题！”律师厉声打断他。
“噢，”证人说：“那么请你回答这个问题：“你停止打你老婆了吗？”

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜里我爸妈表演“混合双打”

Teacher of Physical Ecation: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
体育老师：孩子们，你们见过男女混合双打吗？

Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克：见过，老师，经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢！

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老师：那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

尼克：啊，对不起，老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”(

1．we two who and who？
咱俩谁跟谁阿

2．how are you ? how old are you?
怎么是你，怎么老是你？

3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！
你有种，我要给你点颜色瞧瞧，兄弟们，一起上！

4．as far as you go to die
有多远，死多远！！！！

5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!
有事起奏，无事退朝

6．you me you me
彼此彼此

7．You Give Me Stop!!
你给我站住！

8．know is know noknow is noknow
知之为知之，不知为不知…

9．WATCH SISTER
表妹

10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!龙生龙，凤生凤，老鼠的儿子会打洞！

11.．I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn my face
给你脸你不要脸，你丢脸，我翻脸

12．one car comeone car go ,two car pengpeng,people die
(车祸现场描述 )

13．heart flower angry open
心花怒放

14．go past no mistake past
走过路过，不要错过

15．小明：I am sorry!
老外：I am sorry too!
小明：I am sorry three!
老外：What are you sorry for?
小明：I am sorry five!

16．If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I haveone!
要钱没有，要命一条

17．I call Li old big. toyear 25.
我叫李老大，今年25。

18．you have two down son
你有两下子。

19.好好学习，天天向上：
good good study,day day up!

20.people mountain people sea!
人山人海。

❺ 哪里有幽默的英语阅读理解

推荐《新概念英语2》给你，课文不会太长，而且难度不大。虽然不是专门的阅读理解题，但很多课文都很幽默。如果你觉得过于简单，可以看看第三册。去试试吧

❻ 英文幽默短文

英语幽默：Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"

一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。

母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。

母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”

或http://enghumor.anyp.cn/040227092045218.aspx

❼ 急需初三英语幽默短文！！

1.An old man and a boy were sitting on opposite benches in the park.Suddenly the old man shouted ,"It's no use your talking to me from over there.I am deaf.""I'm not talking to you,"the boy shouted back ."I'm chewing bubblegum."

2.Elizabeth was a very pretty girl,and her parents were rich.Quite a lot of young men in the town wanted to marry her ,but she was not satisfied with any of them.
One of the handsomest young men who wanted to marry her came to visit her parents' home and asked her to become his wife.She answered,"no,William,I won't marry you.I want to marry a men who is famous ,who can play music ,sing and dance very well,who can tell really interesting stories,who doesn't smoke or drink,who stays at home in the everyning and who stops talking when I'm tried of listening."
The young men got up,took his coat and went to the door,but before he left the house,he turned and said to Elizabeth,"It isn't a man you're looking for.It's a television set."

❽ 英语一道中考题，是根据首字母填空，文章有些幽默类似笑话，知道的帮我发来类似的

1、昨天梦见上帝说可满足我一个愿望我拿出地球仪说要世界和平，他说太难换一个吧，我拿出你的照片说要这人变漂亮，他沉思了一下说拿地球仪我再看看。

2、一女奇丑，嫁不出去，希望被拐卖。终于梦想成真，却半月卖不出去。绑匪将其送回，她坚决不下车，绑匪咬牙一跺脚：走，车不要了

3、20年前爸爸抱着你等车，人都笑话孩子长得难看，爸爸哭了。一卖香蕉的老大爷拍拍爸爸说：“大兄弟别哭了，拿只香蕉给猴子吃吧！真可怜，饿的都没毛了。”

4、飞机上，一只鹦鹉对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，猪也学鹦鹉，对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，空姐大怒，将鹦鹉和猪都扔下了飞机。这时鹦鹉对猪说：“傻了吧，爷会飞。”

5、有个老农在地里锄地，一只乌鸦飞过，拉了泡屎掉在老农脸上，老农抬头大骂：“靠你妈！出门也不知道穿条裤衩！”乌鸦说：“靠！你丫拉屎穿裤衩呀！”

6、话说某位女士一时兴起，买了一只母鹦鹉。没想到带回家里，它说的第一句话就是：“想跟我上床吗？”
女士一听，心想：坏了，外人还以为这话是我教的呢， 这不把我的淑女形象全给毁了。于是她想尽办法，想交那只鹦鹉说些高雅的东西，可是那只母鹦鹉算是铁了心了，只会说一句话：“想跟我上床吗？”
…… 怎么办呢？在那位女士失去主张的时候，听说神父那儿也养了一只鹦鹉（公的），而且那只鹦鹉，不但不讲粗话，反而是个虔诚的教徒，每天大部分时间里都在祷告。于是那位女士去找神父求助。神父明白她的来意之后，面色微难的说：“这个，很难办呀，其实那只鹦鹉，也并没有刻意的教它什么，它之所以这么虔诚，也可能是长期在此受熏陶的缘故吧。”
神父见女士很失落，便说道：“这样吧，你把那只鹦鹉带到我这里来，我把它们放在一起。希望经过一段时间，你那只鹦鹉能够被感化。我只能做这些了，有没有效果，就看神的旨意了……”
女士一听，也只能这样了，不是有句话叫：近朱者赤吗？试试吧。于是她把鹦鹉带到神父那里。神父依照诺言把两只鹦鹉放在了一起。开始母鹦鹉还有些拘谨，看那只公鹦鹉在笼子的一角，默默的祷告，还真不忍心打扰。可是她还是管不住自己，终于朗声说道：“想跟我上床吗？“
公鹦鹉听到这话，停止了祷告，转身看了看母鹦鹉，忽然泪如雨下：“感谢上帝，我祷告这么多年的愿望终于实现了……”

7、女孩子不要这样说
一男对一女说：“我请你吃饭。”
女说：“改日吧。”

8、存钱桶
有个寡妇去买黄瓜，并嘱咐不要切片，但卖黄瓜的忘记了，还是切了片，那寡妇见了，骂道：“你他妈当我是存钱桶啊？”

9、实习
一大群女生到农场实习，农场主教大家挤牛奶，示范作完，教大家动手亲自试试。这时一个女生看到别人已经挤了小半筒而自己的只有一点点，非常不解。农场主过来看看说：小姐，你不但挤错了地方，而且还选错了牛。

10、一帅哥欲买避孕套
一帅哥欲买避孕套，不知道尺寸，服务小姐无奈下手检查，一边对身边的同事说：来一盒5寸的 哦 不 7寸的...哦，天哪，快拿卫生纸。。。。。。。。

11、撞见前女友和新欢调情
影子猪刚被女友抛弃，碰巧在大街上撞见前女友和新欢调情，他越看越气，想羞辱他们一下。于是很有礼貌上前打了个招呼，并很鄙视地对女友新欢说：“我用过的旧货你也不嫌弃！”正当他为自己创意得意的时候，前女友却笑出声道：“外面一寸是旧的，里面全是崭新的！”

12、漏点了
下课点名，如果没来期末成绩将被扣掉50分！念到一兄弟时不知怎么就跳了过去，于是他大喊一声：“老师，你漏点了！”
年逾花甲的老教师低头看看了说：“没有啊~”

13、一个夏天，一个穿着拖鞋的小伙子，上了一辆公共汽车，他坐了下来， 翘起了二郎腿,对面坐着一位穿着超短裙的少女（未穿内裤），车开了！ ！突然！一个刹车！小伙子的脚丫插进了少女的BB里，哎！事情本来就这样了！ 过了两天，少女觉得自己的BB好难受，就去了医院来到医院，医生一检查惊讶的说“哇，你的BB得了脚气，奇怪”
就在这时，门被推开了，另一位医生 闯了进来说道：“这有什麽奇怪的，刚才有个小伙子脚上长梅毒呢！！”。

14、化装舞会前，太太忽不适，便叫丈夫单身赴会。稍后，太太自觉好点，便换上一套丈夫从未见过的时装，驱车也去参加舞会了。刚进门，太太便看见丈夫与其他女人打情骂俏，不禁妒火中烧，决定试探一下丈夫。她走到丈夫身旁，娇声媚气，投怀送抱。最后还引诱他到后花园去，尽情风流。到了午夜，当大家将要脱下面具时，太太才悄悄离去。而她丈夫直到凌晨三时才回来。
＂舞会怎么样？＂太太问。＂一点也不好玩。＂丈夫答。＂你在那里究竟干了些什么？＂
太太再三追问。＂老实告诉你吧，＂丈夫道，＂我到那里时，见到几个朋友都没有带妻子，于是我们几个便在书房里玩牌了。＂＂你整个晚上都在打牌吗？＂太太尖叫道。＂是的，不过我把自己的服装与面具借给了另外一个老朋友。那家伙在舞会结束时倒是向我夸口，说这是他有生以来最美妙的一个晚上！

15、洞房之夜，新娘已脱衣服上床。
新郎也脱掉了上衣、衬衫、领带，但是到了鞋子的地方就碰到了麻烦，
因为鞋带解不开，愈弄愈连在一起，新娘着急他说：“真笨，那儿有小刀，用刀子割断算了！”
新娘的母亲为了要了解一切是否如意，便在隔壁房间偷听，当听到新娘如此说，便大叫：“不行，不可以用刀子。”她隔墙说：“告诉他，涂上一些口水，就行了。”

16、有一对夫妇，丈夫很喜欢打保龄球但也很怕老婆，老婆很爱抽烟，一天晚上，老婆发现在自己的烟抽完了，便叫丈夫去买，丈夫没有办法只好去买，可是已经很晚了，附近的小卖部都关门了，这可把丈夫急坏了，丈夫突然想到酒吧应该有卖烟的，于是丈夫去了，到了酒吧那个丈夫一眼就看见吧台座着一位漂亮的小姐，于是他走过前去跟那位小姐聊天，然后就一起去开房。
到了半夜，丈夫突然想到忘了给自己的太太买烟了，又怕自己的太太知道这件事后会打死他，于是他就问那位小姐有没有滑石粉，小姐很奇怪但还是给他了，丈夫将滑石粉涂到自己的手上就回家了，刚进家门丈夫就看见老婆气冲冲的站在那，老婆问丈夫：“你死哪去了！”
丈夫就老老实实的回答说：“路边没有地方卖烟，我就去酒吧了到了酒吧我看见一位漂亮的小姐，我就过去聊聊，然后我们就去开房。”
妻子听完后对丈夫说：“把你的手伸出来！”
丈夫乖乖的伸出了手让妻子看，妻子大怒说道：“还不说你是去跟朋友去打保龄球了！你的手怎么回事！”

17、有对情侣到郊外投宿，旅馆的老板告诉他们请多包涵，因为电力不够晚上经常会有停电的现象。
没想到这对情侣不但不介意，反而认为很刺激，于是约定只要一停电，他们就亲热一次。
果然到了晚上，每隔两小时就停一次电，几次下来，那位男士不得不拖着疲惫的身躯找旅馆老板商量说；“老板，我愿多付点钱，但请你帮个忙，改成四小时停一次电好不好？”
旅馆老板为难的笑着说：“我是很乐意帮你忙的，可惜你来迟了一步，刚才你的女友已经多付了我钱，条件是每半小时就停一次电！”

18、胡萝卜看见火腿肠说：哇！真有钱，穿的都是皮衣了。火腿肠：这算啥啊，你看人家香肠，穿的是真皮，我们还穿着这人造革。

19、袋鼠和青蛙去嫖鸡，袋鼠三下两下完事，只听隔壁的青蛙整夜一二三嘿！一二三嘿！袋鼠好羡慕。次日，袋鼠说：“哇！~~蛙兄，你好棒哦！”青蛙说：“cao，老子一夜都没跳上床！~~

20、话说有一位害羞的小男生，相中一位相貌姣好、姿态优雅的女子。羞涩的他每天偷偷地观察她的生活，终于找出一个周期——她每星期某日必在某一面店吃面。
他觉得时机已然成熟，于是某日便先行在面店等她，等她进店坐定，他深深地吸了一口气，鼓足勇气，大步向前问她的名字。
他说：“小姐，你叫什么？”
那小姐睁着她的大眼睛，对着他说：“我叫牛肉面。”

21、对夫妇在舞厅里看人跳舞。丈夫感慨地说：“这个世界也真怪，那个丑八怪似的蠢汉子偏偏有个漂亮的老婆。”妻子笑了笑，说道：“亲爱的，你真会拍马屁。”

❾ 有没有英语幽默小故事，适合初三的英语，（

Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

❿ 英语幽默短文 要搞笑的

英语幽默：Second
language
A
mother
mouse
was
out
for
a
stroll
with
her
babies
when
she
spotted
a
cat
crouched
behind
a
bush.
She
watched
the
cat,
and
the
cat
watched
the
mice.
Mother
mouse
barked
fiercely,
"Woof,
woof,
woof!"
The
cat
was
so
terrified
that
it
ran
for
it's
life.
Mother
mouse
turned
to
her
babies
and
said,
"Now,
do
you
understand
the
value
of
a
second
language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
Catch
a
cold
得感冒
During
the
fight,
the
boxer
swiped
the
air
furiously,
but
could
not
hit
his
opponent.
"How
am
I
doing?"
he
asked
the
coach
at
the
end
of
the
round.
"Well,
if
you
keep
this
up,"
replied
the
coach,
"he
might
feel
the
wind
and
catch
a
cold."
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